The Crazy Cullens 3
by AnEmotionalVampire
Summary: The Crazy Cullens series has become a trilogy! Featuring all our favorite Cullens! This installments takes place before Twilight so it doesn't have Bella. A bit OOC, You've been warned. *COMPLETE*
1. Nightmares

**Author Notes:** What's this? Another fanfic, when I have others unfinished? I'm just a writing machine. This is The Crazy Cullens 3 - Not as funny as the first but funnier than the second!

I'm writing this because I like writing funny things and I enjoy making you guys laugh! Beware of OOC. Each chapter will have a different theme.

**Disclaimer:** These things are pointless - We all know I don't own twilight.

**The Crazy Cullens 3**  
Chapter One  
Nightmares

"Edward." Emmett said for the millionth time. "Edward. Edward. Edward. Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. Ed. Ed. Ed. Edward…" Edward was gripping the steering wheel, grinding his teeth. Not only was Emmett repeating his name out loud; he was thinking it.

Edward drove even faster towards home, not paying attention to the road. He really didn't need to pay attention.

"Edward! Edward! EDWARD!" Emmett said, desperately. "EDWARD! WATCH OUT!" There was a cow staring at them. What was a cow doing in the middle of the road, in the middle of forks where there are no farms around? Edward swerved and skidded to a stop.

The cow looked at the now stopped Volvo. "Moo," He mooed before finishing crossing the street.

"Ed, I think that cow had a death wish for a second."

"I think so too, Em." Edward replied.

"Moo…" The cow bellowed at them. He did not appreciated being talked about. A cow always knew when they were being talked about.

The two vampires shrugged and decided to leave the cow alone. Neither of them wanted to take the chance of draining a cow and get mad cow disease from the blood and become ill and worry Esme and have Carlisle go crazy trying to find some cure.

Though Edward thought Carlisle would like the challenge. He glanced at his brother. "Emmett? I dare you to drink the cow's blood." Edward knew Emmett wouldn't be able to refuse a dare.

"Absolutely not." Emmett said. "Mad Cow is going around. I don't want to catch it. Rosie would be most displeased with me." Edward couldn't believe it. Emmett Cullen refused a dare.

Edward drove home. Slowly the cow followed and the two vampires had no idea they were being followed by a stalker cow.

By the time they got home the cow was already there. Edward was getting sort of freaked out. The two looked closer to the cow and saw that it had red eyes, no beating heart and sharp teeth. The clouds parted for a second causing the animal to sparkle.

"No way."

"Edward…" The cow said. "I'm going to kill you." It charged at the bronze-haired boy. And the world around him turned black as he was rammed hard by the big animals.

Edward jerked awake from the nightmare. His feverish green eyes frantically looked around the hospital. "Mother!" He cried out and instantly felt cool hands on his forehead. He looked at the doctor caring for him. "Dr. Cullen…"

"It's alright son. You just had a bad dream. It's the fever." The blonde haired doctor reassured him. He soothed the dying 17-year-old until he was unconscious again, his breathing labored. He didn't have long, just a few hours perhaps left in him.

Carlisle turned his attention to the boy's mother. She was getting worse. "Help him! You must save him! Do what others cannot do for my Edward!" Carlisle took her hand and promised her. An hour later the woman was dead. Carlisle picked up her chart and marked down the time before wheeling her to the morgue.

The doctor came back for Edward and stole him away into the night. He laid the boy down on a bed in his home and smoothed out the hair before biting him in the same manner he was hundreds of years ago.

***

**End Notes: **This fic probably wont be updated as often. I want to finish "Punk'd: The Fallout" and I would like to write another snippet from "Growing Pains" and I just have so many ideas running through my head! I really like to write!

Anyways, Review please :D


	2. Baseball

**Author notes:** I'm not really into writing this installment of The Crazy Cullens Trilogy, but since I started it I will finish it. Just don't except updates all the the time since I wanna work on other things as well :) I know you all understand cus you're all great! Enjoy this chapter.

**Chapter Two**  
Baseball

"Vampires play baseball?" He asked as they were running towards a clearing. It was his first baseball game as a vampire and to be honest he was quite excited about it. Thunder boomed in the distance. Edward grinned. He knew this would make Emmett very happy. "Why didn't you tell me!? I love sports!"

"Because we can't always play." Edward explained. "This is the only time we can play. During the thunderstorms."

"Why?" Emmett asked, curious now. He noticed his brother's grin. Emmett had noticed a lot about Edward.

That crooked grin appeared on his brother's face, "You'll see." Emmett groaned. He hated waiting for things.

They arrived to the clearing. Carlisle, Esme and Rosalie were already there preparing the field. For a game. Esme was setting up the bases while Carlisle took a few practice swings. He set the bat down, called everyone over, removed his hat, and ran his fingers through his hair before replacing the hat.

"Alright, Emmett, we have a few rules." Emmett listened as Carlisle explained the rules, then the game begun.

Carlisle gripped the bat as Edward stood at the pitchers mound. He took a few swings and nodded. Edward pitched the ball. Carlisle swung and the ball made contact just as thunder boomed along with the sound the bat made contact with the bat.

Emmett could see why they needed the thunder, now. "When did you realized you needed the thunder?" He asked.

"Two years ago." Rosalie told him. It was spring and we were bored. I was tired of being cooped up. I was six months into my newborn stage." Esme was going after the ball. She was fast, but not as fast as Edward. Carlisle was running around the bases as She threw the ball to Rosalie. She caught it and tagged her adopted father before making home place.

Emmett looked thoughtful. Though his human memories were fading, there were some he could recall. Emmett was so deep in thought that he didn't notice the baseball whizzing towards him until it nailed him in the face, sending him stumbling back.

"That almost tickled." He said as Carlisle inspected the ball before throwing it back to Edward. "Hey, doc, aren't you supposed to make sure I'm fine and not the ball?" Carlisle chuckled and to humor Emmett, he made sure that the big, burly vampire was fine. Emmett wrapped his arms around his father and squeezed him before setting him down.

"Thanks, Em." Carlisle coughed and went to play.

"No problem dad." Emmett grinned. "I was thinking… you know I was walking through the forest a few years ago. A nice, warm spring day. My mother… she kicked me out of the house, said I needed to work off all my excess energy and told me to go pick berries for her. She liked the wild kind for pie… I remembered that I loved her pie. Anyways… I heard thunder but not a cloud in the sky!"

"I told you he smelt familiar you first brought him, Rosalie." Edward said, smirking. Rosalie grinned.

"That was you!?" Emmett said. "I tried to find where it came from but then I remembered that if I didn't bring home berries for pie…well my momma wouldn't be pleased." He unconsciously rubbed his backside.

"It's a good thing you didn't find us, dear." Esme said.

"Yeah! You would've been lunch."

"Or dinner."

"Or a snack" Carlisle added that one in for the sake of adding something in.

"Lets just play ball." Esme said, not like talking about eating humans for breakfast, lunch, dinner or a snack.. Though she personally thought that Emmett would be more of dinner because of his size. Probably enough to feed the entire Volturi guard with some left over for Aro and his brothers.

"Esme!" Edward chastised as he listened to her thoughts, but his eyes twinkled in humor. Esme looked down.

"What?" Emmett asked. "What are you two going on about? I hate this mind reading stuff. It's not fair!" Edward walked up to his brother and slapped his back.

"Dear brother of mine, hasn't anyone ever told you that life isn't fair."

Just then the sky opened up and the rain came down, ending their short-lived baseball game. Emmett went to Rosalie, threw her on his back and ran off into the forest.

"Here is Vampire-man. The luckiest man alive. He has a beautiful blond on his back." Emmett sung. Rosalie rolled her eyes. "And he's running off into the nighttttt!"

****

**End notes:** I just don't think this chapter is funny enough. But I hope you all enjoyed it! :D

Just a reminder that this is set before Twilight so Bella wont be in it.


	3. Jasper's Fear

**Author Notes:** Sorry it's so short. I just wanted to write a quick update. I hope you enjoy this :D

**Chapter three**  
Jasper's Fear

"I'm not going." Jasper said, folding his arms.

"Come on, it's not that bad." Emmett tried to talk him into it.

"No, Emmett." Jasper was firm on the subject.

"Why not?" Edward asked, curious about why Jasper was refusing to go.

"Because, I don't want to go." Their new brother said. "If you even try to make me, I'll rip your arms off and burn them." He was serious. Emmett and Edward exchanged glances.

"Alice is going." Edward said, trying a new tactic.

"I don't care. I'm not going." Jasper was adamant about not going.

"She wants you to come." Emmett tried.

"I'll have to disappoint her." Jasper hated disappointing Alice.

"Come on! Why not?!" They were getting frustrated with Jasper. He sent out waves of calm.

"I have my reasons!" He thought about walking away and hiding himself in his room.

"We're all going! It's a family thing! Are you afraid of slipping? You know we wont let you!" Emmett whined.

"I'm more afraid of you slipping up." Jasper shot back, causing Edward to chuckle. Jasper had been doing a lot better in the ten years he's been living with the Cullens with Alice.

"What?! I haven't slipped in ages!" Emmett roared, suddenly angry at Jasper for insinuating such a thing. Edward and Jasper rolled their eyes.

"I'm still not going." Jasper went to his room.

"I wonder why he wont go to a circus?" Emmett said. "I wonder what he's afraid of."

Edward leaned over and whispered in Emmett's ears. "Clowns. Jasper is afraid of clowns."

"EDWARD!!" Jasper yelled, hearing Edward's whisper. Emmett howled with laughter.

Jasper was forced to go to the circus. Every time a clown got near him he would go into a near panic attack, unable to draw in unnecessary air. Alice finally took pity on her husband and took him home.

He laid snuggled up against her as she ran a hand through his hair. "Shh, my Jasper. We'll never go to a circus again." She promised him. From that day on, he never stepped foot near a circus or around a clown.

*****~~~~*****

"And so, vampires are afraid of things. Whether it be rational or not, Nessie." Jasper held his niece on his lap and kissed her forehead, wiping her tears away. Emmett thought it was a great idea to take the child to a circus. Nessie was frightened so bad that Emmett had to bring her home.

Renesmee placed a hand on Jasper's cheek. Jasper laughed.

"Yes, Emmett is quite the poopy-head."

*********

**End Notes:** I know I said these take place before Twilight, but if you think about it, the story does take place before twilight and Jasper was just telling his little niece that vampires do have fears! Just a cute, funny story. :D I hope you enjoyed it! Review please?


	4. Woodstock

**Author Notes: **I missed writing Twilight fics so I thought I'd write something stupid, so here we go. Something stupid for your enjoyment! Review please?

**Chapter Four**  
Woodstock 1969

"No, Alice." Carlisle told his daughter firmly, swatting her hand away gently.

"But, daddy…" Her face puckered up in her famous puppy-dog look. However, with living with Alice for many decades, he knew how to resist.

"Absolutely not." He said. "I haven't time for this. I'm going to be late for work." He gathered his things together. Alice suddenly became fidgety and nervous. Carlisle immediately picked up on that. "What have you done, Alice?"

"I said that you needed a few days off." Carlisle ran a hand through his hair. He bent down to Alice level and placed his hands on her tiny shoulders. He was more gentle, careful with Alice because of her size. He really couldn't help it.

"Sweetheart, Alice." He kept the anger out of his voice. "We are not going to Woodstock. It's summer. It will be sunny. We sparkle in the sun. There will be millions of humans there. We are not going."

"But, I… please daddy. I promise you the day we're going it's gonna be cloudy and rainy."

"Are you tempting jasper into consuming Humans?"

"He's not going."

"Who is?"

"You, me and Esme! Edward refused. Emmett might come but not Rosalie."

"No, sweetheart."

**** At Woodstock. ****

Carlisle folded his arms as the loud music and screaming hurt his sensitive ears. Esme's face was buried in his chest. Not to far away they could see that Alice and Emmett were having the times of their lives. He still couldn't believe that he was talked into going.

Emmett came up to him, held up his hand in the peace sign. "Groovy baby!" Alice was on his back.

"Far out!" Alice giggled. Esme chuckled.

"Now that you had your fun, it's time to go home." They ran towards home with Alice on Emmett's back.

****

End Notes: What do you think? Think I should move on to better work and forget about the Crazy Cullens? Lol just kidding. Hope you enjoy it!

I don't know what the weather was like during Woodstock since I wasn't really around then, infact... I wasn't even thought of then!


	5. My Kids are Crazy

**Author Notes: **Hope you enjoyed this chapter. It's a bit more serious, but still nutty. Also remember, I'm updating this once a month until it's finished. I have other stories I want to write. I'm also starting to start working on a sequel to "The Fangirl On The Other Side of The Wall". I just have a lot of projects I want to do. I'm a Gemini. Geminis are multi-taskers, we like having more than one project going on. Anyways… I'm done rambling…

**Chapter Five**  
My Kids Are Crazy

"Carlisle, I'm tired of it. Something needs to be done." Esme said as she sat curled up in her husband's lap. It had been two years since Jasper and Alice joined the family. It took a while for Jasper to warm up to them all, especially Edward and Emmett and now the three of them were really like brothers, and they acted like it. They fought, did things together, and annoyed one another. And together... they were devious. Carlisle and Esme thought Emmett brought the worse out of Jasper and Edward sometimes.

Esme and Carlisle had gone away for a weekend and when they had returned the house was a disaster. The living room was a mess. It was as if a tornado had swept through the house, leaving a path of destruction behind. The living room wasn't the only place that had been left a mess before the boys went out hunting. The kitchen had flour and sandwich baggies everywhere. At least they had kept THAT mess in the kitchen.

Alice and Rosalie had been gone that weekend as well having a girls hunting trip to bond leaving the boys to their own devices.

Carlisle sighed, holding Esme close. "I agree with you." He did agree. Something NEEDED to be done about the three young vampires. The two heard playful arguing and laughing outside. Esme got up and marched outside to where her sons were just returning, shoving each other around.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, Emmett Dale McCarty Cullen, Jasper Whitlock Hale!" She said their names in a sharp angry mother like tone. They froze and looked at their adoptive vampire mother, surprised. Carlisle joined Esme's side. Neither one held back on the disappointment. Jasper and Edward hung their had in shame and Emmett looked clueless.

"We were gonna clean…" Emmett said. "Before you got home. We were at a furniture store to get a new coffee table, but Jasper got really thirsty."

"So did you!" Jasper said to Emmett. "As I recall you said 'I'm so hungry I could eat a rat.'" Everyone shuddered at that. Rats weren't even a good snack.

"We all were thirsty." Edward barked at his siblings. "We thought it'd be best if we hunted and go back to get the coffee table. It's on hold. You'll like it Esme." He glanced at his mother. Esme allowed herself a small smile. At least the boys were TRYING to be responsible.

"What happened to the kitchen?" Carlisle asked. This time no one spoke up, then Edward raised his hand. "Edward?"

"I was trying to surprise Jasper… that's why the kitchen table is broken." Edward admitted. "I made Flour bombs and I did startle him." Emmett laughed as he remembered the surprised on Jasper's face, then the reaction that had occurred. His brothers both poked him hard in the side.

"I kind of tossed Edward into the table. I was surprised that I just reacted." Jasper explained.

"Enough laying it on thick with the guilt, Jasper." Carlisle snapped. Jasper hung his head.

"Sorry, Carlisle." Jasper murmured.

"I want you all to clean the messes up, then go to your rooms." Esme said. "You're all grounded until the next century." The boys hurried inside and quickly cleaned the living room and kitchen before retreating to their respective rooms.

"I swear, Carlisle, my children are crazy." Esme sighed. "And they need to be taught a lesson." Carlisle seemed surprised. Esme wasn't the one to dish out punishment, but her house WAS destroyed and furniture was broken.

"What do you have planned?" Carlisle asked. Esme put a finger up to her mouth and thought. She wasn't good on punishing her children. Carlisle did that part, she glanced at her husband for help.

"Allow me Milady." He kissed her hand and called his sons downstairs. He stared at them sternly. He walked around them, careful of his thoughts. Quickly, he gave them each a hard, swift smack to their sit-spots on their bottoms, causing them to lurch forward slightly. He had smacked hard, and good. The three young adult boys put their hands behind their stinging behinds and gently rubbed.

"That should teach you never to destroy the house again in such a manner. Is the downstairs the only damaged spots in the house?" He asked, still behind them. The three didn't answer. "Answer me now."

"Esme… I'm really, really sorry." Emmett said. "I didn't mean too. I was going to try and fix everything, I swear it!" No one liked upsetting Esme.

"What did you do Emmett." Carlisle asked as Esme blurred out of sight to her garden. Her flowers were smashed.

"EMMETT!!" She yelled.

"I broke her flowers." He hung his head.

"Oh my… Emmett… I would run if I were you. I would run and not come back for a while." Edward said. "Go. Now." Emmett high-tailed it out of there. Esme was right on his tail.

"He's so dead." Jasper said. Edward nodded in agreement.

"Both of you, to your rooms. I'm very disappointed in you two. You're both more mature and responsible than Emmett. Go. Now. Before I spank your fanny again." The two blurred upstairs and their doors were shut.

"I swear my children are crazy. I should just get a name plate for the house that says 'The Crazy Cullens'" Carlisle went after his wife to save Emmett's from the woman's wrath. He'll let Rosalie deal with the brash young man.

He snickered to himself. _Poor Emmett. Having to face Esme AND Rosalie._

Decades passed and the boys never wrecked any of the houses they lived in again. All of them remembered the sting from Carlisle's swift swat to their bottoms.

*****

**End Notes:** Yes, this dealt with very minor spankings. Deal with it, it's not like I have Carlisle spank them until they're blubbering and crying (those fics are actually good though...). Review kindly please!


	6. I don't have B

**Author Notes: **This fic is coming to an end soon. Probably one or two more chapters will be released. Anyways, since I've been experiencing writers block, this isn't really great, but I hope you enjoy it. Review please?

**Chapter Six**  
"I don't have B…"

Rosalie had been staring at herself constantly throughout the day. She just couldn't get enough at looking at her reflection. She was very beautiful with long blonde hair and golden eyes. She had a body that made all girls jealous and self-conscious, and she knew how it affected people.

"Rosie…"

"Shut it, Emmett. You're still in the dog house." Rosalie growled.

"But Rosa-- Ow!" Emmett rubbed his head. He was still in the dog house. "I just--" Rosalie got up and walked away. Emmett looked at his hands, hurt.

It really wasn't his fault that Rosalie got caught in the crossfire of a very nasty egg war he was in with his brother. The egg war consisted throwing raw eggs at each other. Rosalie had just popped up and was egged by Emmett. Her hair was saturated with egg yoke and shell. That was two days ago.

Emmett glanced at the game controller that Jasper was holding out to him. Jasper knew exactly what could cheer Emmett up. Emmett stared at the controller and shook his head, not in the mood to play video games.

"Nah, Jasper. I think I'm going to go hunting up north somewhere, or even near Rainier. I don't know when I'll be back." He went to the garage and left in his Jeep, not bothering to say good-bye to Rosalie.

Jasper and Edward exchanged glances. "What was he going to say to Rosalie?" Jasper asked, curiously.

"Oh that he had gotten plane tickets to Europe, more specifically to Italy and France for those fashion shows he knows that Rosalie loves." Edward explained taking the controller from Jasper, though he really wasn't a gamer like his brothers were. Jasper settled down to play. "Now he's considering on giving them to you and Alice. He's real upset and he wants nothing but to be left alone."

Something upstairs dropped and shattered. It was a mirror that Rosalie was using to primp herself up. "What?!" Rosalie shouted, then moaned. "What have I done?" She came downstairs sulking.

"Oh, you were being your usual self." Edward said shrugging. "You wouldn't let him get a word in, slapped him around, and all around made him feel bad. He's already emotionally unbalanced from the Punk'd experience and just recently recovered from his depression. You didn't even let him say what he wanted to, just assumed it was something to do with looking at yourself. Well there you go, Rosalie. Not only are you a self-centered, pigheaded brat, you're also officially a bitch." Edward took a big, deep breath and let it out.

Everyone was silent throughout the house as they listened to Edward's little rant. Rosalie couldn't say anything to it because, for once, she knew that Edward was right. And She was hard on Emmett lately. He did apologize about the egg incident, even went out and got some more of her favorite shampoo and conditioner. She sighed, then Suddenly remembered…

"Maybe it would be a good time to call him to tell him that he doesn't have breaks." Rosalie murmured as she took out her cell phone. The others stared at her. "I was fixing them! I didn't do it on purpose!" She dialed Emmett's number and waited a few seconds. "Babe…"

"ROSALIEEEE!!! I DON'T HAVE BRAIN….BREAKSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!" He tried to fix his slip, but realized it was too late when he could hear his family erupt into laughter. Now he'd never live this down.

**End Notes:** Meh, hope you enjoyed it.


	7. Drinking Drunks Makes You Drunk

**Author Notes:** Last chapter! Hope you enjoy it. Now that I finished, I'm taking a nice break from writing Twilight fanfics for a while without feeling guilty about not updating since I have no more fics to update! I'll return to writing Twilight fics, I just don't know when. I want to write other fanfics for other things for a while! Anyways, I hope you enjoy this last chapter. My opinion? It's crappy! Oh well! It is 3:30am!

**Chapter 7**  
Drinking Drunks Makes You Drunk

"Carlisle, Jasper… he slipped up and currently… well… come see." Edward dragged his father out of the house and pointed up to the roof where Jasper was standing. He seemed a bit… loopy. Almost as if he was intoxicated. "The guy that Jasper nommed on, he was well…extremely inebriated."

"Totally drunk." Emmett said coming up to them.

"General! The troops are ready to advance!" Jasper said. "The Yanks wont get past us yet, sir!" He saluted and walked off the edge of the roof. Carlisle was quick and caught his son. "Unhand me, how dare you manhandle me! I am Major Jasper Whitlock!"

"Jasper, the war is over." Carlisle said. "It's been over for over 140 years." He was trying to talk sense into the drunken vampire. He wondered if the Volturi had trouble with this. He would have to ask.

"You lie! General! We have a spy!" Jasper said as he managed to pin Carlisle on the ground. Jasper looked at Edward and Emmett. "You soldiers, come take this spy to the holding place! Yeah. The holding place!" Edward and Emmett exchanged glances.

"Maybe cold water will shock him back to us." Edward said. "It works for humans."

"Worth a try." Emmett agreed and the two went to get the hose. Emmett turned it on and Edward looked at Carlisle with an apology in his eyes before spraying them. Jasper let Carlisle go, who quickly got away from the water.

"General! I'm under fire! I've been hit! I've been hit! Call the doctor…" Jasper dropped to his knees, then stomach. Carlisle rolled his son on his back and saw the red eyes up close. Jasper stared at Carlisle for a few moments before his eyes rolled back and he fell unconscious.

"Jasper?" Carlisle knew it was never a good thing when a vampire was unconscious since they couldn't keep tabs on vitals. The only way that they would know if a vampire was still alive was if he was breathing or if one had Edward's gift and could monitor their thoughts.

Jasper groaned. He wasn't feeling good. When his eyes re-opened he was laying in bed with Alice snuggled up besides him. "Alice? What…oh no…"

"Don't worry about it, Jazzy." Alice assured him. "It might teach you not to eat humans." She kissed his forehead. "Especially intoxicated humans." Jasper just closed his eyes.

"Are the others…is Carlisle…are they disappointed in me?" Jasper asked.

"Nope. In fact, I don't think that Emmett will let you live this down. Well your drunken state, Major Whitlock." Jasper's eyes widen as everything came back to him.

"Oh my…" Alice giggled. "Did I really…do all of that?" Alice didn't say anything and instead, she kissed Jasper. Jasper groaned, embarrassed.

"It's alright, Jazzy." Alice climbed on top of Jasper, kissed him and made him forget all about his intoxicated ordeal.

From then on, Jasper hadn't touched a human for being afraid of getting drunk and acting like a twit. Carlisle managed to get in contact with the Volturi and found it unusual that a vampire would become intoxicated after drinking an intoxicated human. Disregarding life, they sent out Felix to test the theory.

From then on, intoxicated humans were off limits as a food source to vampires. Much to Carlisle, Jasper and Felix's relief.

Edward sat on the couch. "I could've told you that you get drunk from drinking drunks." he said nonchalantly. Everyone stared at him. He got up and went to his piano.

Carlisle got up, went to his office and sat down. "My family… my children…. Are crazy. The Crazy Cullens. I hope the Craziness goes away for a while…" He muttered to himself.

**_The end._**

**End Notes:** It's the end. Sadness all around! No more Crazy Cullens! This is the final installment of the trilogy! Thanks for all the reviews and support. You guys are awesome! Take care and have a great summer (or winter, depending on where you live).


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